Every time I looked at you that night all I saw was my client. The rage was so great; it intensified every time you told me no. In my mind you were going to pay for doing to other's what my client did to me. I didn't even know you. When I finally released inside of you, I actually prayed to GOD to let you be infected. I prayed that you would feel my pain and to let this be your punishment for being a tramp.
By the time we went out, I
knew that I had full-blown AIDS, the only thing that kept me going was
healthy eating and exercise. I knew that I only had about six to eight
months to live, and I chose you to be my reward, my justice, and my peace.
What did you do to deserve this you might ask? At the time, my anger
said just like my client, you were a promiscuous tramp who didn't care
about love. I see now that there is no reason anyone deserves this
sickness, but my anger controlled too much of my life for me to see that
then.
If I had it to do all over again, I would try and love myself instead of
hating myself. I would try and get as much knowledge about my condition
as I could. If I had it to do over again, I would take long walks with the
moonlit sky and shake hands with the tumbleweeds as they journey to
nowhere. I would ask the caged bird why it sings. Maybe it would have an
answer for this caged beast. I would have taken a drink from the Danube.
I would have swam the Nile.
If I had it to do over again, I would take
breaths from the highest peaks and sleep on the softest mountaintop. If I
had it to do over again, I would dance with my friend and comfort my
enemy. I would sing the last song. I would write the last book, the last
poem. If I had it to do over again, I would listen to the last sermon. I would
create a new possibility where truth really was love. If I had it to do over
again, I would become GOD'S son instead of disrespecting the sacrifice of
GOD'S son. If only I had it to do over again.
I am now closer than ever to death. I'm sure there will be no close
encounters with the man upstairs, but somehow I will ask for your soul to
be spared. Again Jes, I know there is no way that I can undo what has
been done. I only hope that you don't allow the same anger that controlled
me to control you.
Apologetically, Marvin Jermaine Edgewater Jr.
Jes finished the letter with tears in her eyes and a sunken heart. She
called her boss to inform him that she would be going home and this
would be her last day of work, but was greeted by his voice mail. Slowly
she gathered her personal items, and placed them into a small box she
retrieved from the copy room. Behind her, Jes heard footsteps in rhythm
on the stone floor as she walked slowly to the elevator.
"Jessica." her boss called, "I just heard your voice mail. Is everything
OK?"
"No, no everything is not OK," Jes said, as she sobbed, "its not OK."
"Is it something that I can help you with?"
"I don't think so. Only GOD can help me with this," Jes said as she
got into the elevator."
"I don't know what's wrong, but when you get it together, give me a
call. I'll keep you position open for you. If for some reason you can't
return, please let me know."
"Thank you," Jes said as the elevator doors closed.